Take My Breath Away
by Sickle Sword
Summary: COMPLETED! When the worst happens off world, Rodney has to accept that life as he knows it is about to change. Was previously named 'Kissed by Angles'
1. Take My Breath Away

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**Take My Breath Away **

_When the worst happens off world, Rodney has to accept that life as he knows it is about to change. But calculating life is not as easy as it first seems, especially when every breathe you take is bringing you closer to the end_.

Spoilers: SG1- season 2 a matter of time, SGA- The Storm& The Eye, Letters From Pegasus, The Siege 1-3, Duet, Trinity, Grace Under Pressure

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	2. Chapter 1

**CHAPTER 1:**  
----------------

Everything is about perspective; Rodney thinks. Velocity, distance and even time are players in the cosmic roller coaster that people foolishly like to name Life. Einstein theorized it and the Ancient's calculations proved it without doubt. A minute. A second. A year. All are the same in the end, it all depends at where you are and what you are looking at and for. What your goal is for the final minute. Because this is the only thing that isn't relative- the Final Gong. When it's heard, it's the end.

Carson says that this last moment is far away from him. He dares not to estimate. Even he, it seems, learnt not to defy fate. Not that he overly believes in fate, really, but there's no harm with not baiting it. Think of Murphy. He talked about the unfairness of fate all the time, he mocked fate. Sure, the guy was famous. But he was also dead.

Rodney thinks that given the opportunity, he prefers to live forever.

He never was a religious man. His family didn't go to the church and from the little he heard about God, it sounded like an entity too conflicted to be of a real use.  
One of his elementary school teachers once told him that he had an analytic mind, a low no-bullshit threshold. She was a fanatic and believed in God more than she believed in human beings. Maybe she only tolerated them because they were God's creation.  
He could usually relate.  
She was an interesting person, though, and let him ask all the questions he wanted about God. She even answered a few of them, like how is it that God is so merciful yet we need to ask forgiveness from him all the time. She told him that it was the asking for forgiveness part that liberated us, not the forgiveness itself. That sometimes it is the only way we can forgive ourselves. It is for us. All the ceremonies and the belief- God is greater than this. God is greater than all of us.

He thinks he saw God in the eyes of the Wraith that fed on him. He wasn't magnificent and holy but a red wavering dot that shook several times before it blinked out of existence. Rodney asked from it for forgiveness for all the wickedness he did. For being arrogant and demanding and not having people-skills, for not trying hard enough to save everyone, for blowing up 5/6th of a solar system, for failing. . . and for not believing in it.  
He thinks he heard a voice saying that he was forgiven but he's not entirely sure. When he told Katie about it she only looked at him with pity and said that a red flickering dot can't be God. When he asked her how she can be so sure, she answered that she saw God years ago, and God was actually a Greek flower girl.  
The next thing that he remembers is darkness. It is more than possible that he imagined the whole conversation.

Evading from reality to the land of dreams. As he always does.

He is terrified of mirrors. He never appreciated them much. They were too often cruel yet too simple for him to fix. Often in his vain years he wished he could attach a power source to them, just so he'd be able to make them better, so they'd show his appearance the way he knows as right.  
He never liked them and now in particular he doesn't feel the need for them. He doesn't ask for them and nobody offers. He knows it's just a matter of time before his curiously wins but till then he can imagine whatever he wants. He was never Prince Charming. He knows that. He's egocentric, not stupid. But he had years to accept himself. He almost succeeded. Now it all was for nothing.

He's sure that if he could just get up from the bed he will find a solution all of his way- less- than- intelligent minions missed. He'll be better then. Back to his old self. His young self. And he'll stop hearing the clock ticking.  
He asks Carson to let him get up. Tries to beg John, Elizabeth and he isn't even below bribing the cute blondie nurse. They are too damn honorable people and can't be bought. Well, what did he expect?, he grumbles even though he knows he's not being fair. It's the Heroes of the Universe he's talking about.

No, he was never a hero. He's a coward; a self- proclaiming one and he doesn't really feel ashamed of that fact. A healthy dose of survival instincts can't hurt anyone, that's his opinion.  
Besides, he's not even a hero enough to face his own demons. He's terrified of still mirrors, how can he even think of facing living monsters?

They never mentioned the words "memorial" or "will" in his presence but he can hear the unspoken words louder than he can hear practically everything else right now. He is going deaf and Carson tells him that it's normal. God save him from useless voodoo.  
Maybe God isn't almighty, but he's the second best and Rodney McKay, a genius, isn't exactly available right now.

He has an impressive ego. He knows that. Not everyone was born to be perfect. Not everybody can stand being Samantha Carter. She's smart and beautiful and compassionate and brave and has intact social skills. . . and is always right. In fact, now he can see that she's a caricature. A nice dream, nothing more. Not everyone can bare being ideal, and even less can stand being with one. The fact that she didn't think she was perfect made her even more so, and by that so much more unreachable, and him- a caveman trying to reach the stars. It wasn't that their character was too different to get along, Rodney thinks. It's the fact that he didn't really want her. If he did, he could have had her. What's not to like, after all?  
No. The reality is that he doesn't believe in glamour and while uncovering the true value of a machine is something akin to a hobby of his, uncovering the true self of people equals in his mental want- list to a dentist appointment. He's a plain man. What - you – see – is – what - you - get kind of guy. He doesn't believe in beautifying one's self. He never believed he had to, still caught in the somewhat romantic idea that was probably installed too deep in that hopeless heart of his. He thought that someday he would find the one who'd accept him as he is. The whole package. Not unreachable ivory tower, but as a person.  
He's still waiting.

He didn't really love her. Even back then he knew that. But she was everything the average man would droll over. He may be a genius, but even he has regular needs, Rodney tells himself, so just like a regular guy he broadcasted that he wanted her. But hey, every man was able to think, Rodney was able to do it way better, and just like everything else in his life, maybe he did the worshipping a little over the top.

Because he didn't love her. Not really.

Rodney knows that really, all in life is about chemistry. 2 atoms stuck together- a material. 3 are a different one entirely. More, and there are objects; windows, cars, people. Even love is chemistry, even life. Make sure the body doesn't lack material things, and it lives. Iron, vitamins, blood. It can live through everything. Endorphins make you happy; wraith enzyme makes you stronger, paralyzes and enables to steal life.

The soul is another thing. He's not sure if there is such a thing as soul and the whole concept confuses him. He gets energy and molecules. He understands waves, sound, sight. He doesn't understand choices that are more than a random shift of electrons. There's no logical reason why he came to Atlantis, not in the molecular level, not even beyond. There wasn't a conscious thought when he decided to explore the cave. It was a feeling, a hunch. And what is hunch, anyway, if it's neither material nor soul?

Break them apart and rebuild them, but they are not like machines, they won't be the same. And Rodney wonders why it is like that. Why can't life be simple? Leave the soul to fend to itself, he says, the brain is the thing that matters. Or the bodily needs. But where are friends coming into the equation? They make him feel good, being a part of something, of Sheppard's team. Beings trusted and to be able trust himself enough to trust others. Is it because of the body, or the soul, whatever it is?  
And where does one begins and the other ends, or are both together forever, and when his body will die, his soul, if he even has one, will join it?

He heard about a movie, 21 Grams. When the body dies the total mass of the person loses 21 grams, and it asks- is that the amount of the soul?  
Personally, he has another explanation. The mass converts into energy. Emc². The law of life. It joins to the total energy of the world, adds to the entropy. Because a material always wishes to reach zero entropy, death. And maybe if people stop dying, the entropy will cease to be, and the world itself will die. _That_ is why people are dying. To stop it from hapenning. That's why he will die. And his soul will not die, because he doesn't have a soul. There isn't such a thing. A fairytale. Only energy, he believes in energy. It comforts him to think that he may be he's a coward but his death will help to push away the end of the world as we know it.

The meaning of life by Rodney McKay. Maybe not scientifically proved, but he is a genius. He's allowed to have leaps of logic.

-----------------------------------------------------HS


	3. John

**CHAPTER 2: ****  
----------------**

* * *

"Morning. How are we today?"

"Me and my imaginary friends, Colonel?"

"Fine. Be like that. How are you?"

"Mentally, physically, nutritionally? All of the above? Really, colonel, you've got to be more specific than that."

"Rodney ..."

"Fine. I feel fine."

"You ... don't sound fine."

"You have eyes. Look at me. Look at me! Do I look _fine_? I just lost 40 years of my life, which undeniably would have been far too short for my liking anyway considering this is Atlantis we're talking about, but I would still prefer living a bit longer if that's alright by you."

"Stop that! I didn't come here to fight. ."

"So why did you come here, Colonel? Guilty consciousness? Gloating? What???"

"No! How could you even consider that I'd gloat! I. . .come on. I'm trying to see how you're dealing and everything. Don't make me regret that."

"Regret it, damn it, Regret it! Go away and take all those well- wishers with you!"

"Rodney, just ... calm down, ok? It will be ok, we'll find a cure."

"_We_ will fine? _We_? You! You will go playing hero just like you always do while I'll be twiddling my thumbs here, waiting patiently for a little thing called **death**. Just. .. leave. I beg you. For once, just listen and leave me the hell alone and go save somebody's kitten from a tree.. . . and. .. hem . . . damn!. . ."

"Breathe. Like that. Better? Don't give me that look. You almost chocked to death on me."

"I'm soon dead anyway in case you're not updated, what does it matter?"

"It matters to me, Rodney. Damn, it matters! To me and Weir and Teyla and. . ."

"Yeah, yeah, the whole Atlantis misses me. Big brains and everything."

"And everything."

"Look. . . I'm sorry. I'm not that much of a company right now and I swear to god that if you feign surprise you'll be dead before I will."

"Wasn't going to."

"Hmmm."

"Is that a doubt I'm hearing, Dr. McKay?"

"Yeah, laugh at the old man."

"God, McKay. No! I didn't mean. . ."

"That's ok. I know what you meant. . . just. .. I told you I'm not in a great mood right now. I hate these medications. Hard to think. . ."

"Would you like me to. . .?"

"Naa. It's ok"

"Ok"

"…"

"Yes, Rodney?"

"I just wanted... in case... you know..."

"No, you are not going to die so save that speech."

"Wasn't going to."

"Oh."

"But it was a really good speech."

"McKay!"

"I just ... you know, there are so many things Atlantis will lose.. . ."

"Don't do it."

". . . When I die and I can't imagine. . ."

"I'm not listening!"

".. . That you'll be able to find someone who'll save your collective asses better than I did so just in case, you know. . I'm sorry."

"We're not replacing you, Rodney. You're one of a kind."

"You're just being nice because I'm going to die and you pity me."

"You are NOT GOING TO DIE."

"Yeah, yeah, shout at the corpse some more. I'm sure the lady at the far end of Atlantis didn't hear you."

"That's good. She's a bit deaf."

"Don't joke about it!"

"Sorry, sorry... you just sound so much like yourself... it's easy to forget.. "

"You need glasses."

"So I've been told. But McKay, it's true. You're still you. You never gave up before."

"Yes I have..."

"I don't ..."

"Koyla."

"Rodney, that was a year ago! That wasn't your fault. You know that."

"I know. . . I know. Don't give me the _speech _again. Let me die in peace. . . kidding, kidding! I'm cranky and my mind is spinning, ok? Give me a break."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Ok."

"Just like that?"

"Yeah."

"Ok."

"Rodney. . .are you. . . ok?"

"Hell, Colonel, you nearly gave me a heart attack sneaking on me like that."

"I didn't sneak! I was here all along."

"Weren't."

"Were."

"Hem hmm."

"Yep. You fell asleep."

"Now that you mention I. . . I do feel kind of tired."

"Go back to sleep, Rodney. I'll see you later. I promise."

"What am I, five?"

"Just letting you know."

"Um . . . thanks."

"You're welcome. Good night."

"Colonel. . ."

"Yeah?"

"I just wanted to say. . it's been an honor."

* * *


	4. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER 3:  
**----------------

If he could weight his deeds on scales, he wonders whether any of his good deeds balance out the bad ones. He never has been a good person. He never presumed to be one. Maybe because till now he hadn't seriously thought about the impact his life made on those around him. He'd like to think that he made a difference in his own way, or that people have become better thanks to him but he isn't a man of illusions. Having influence, even for the slightest, is something he always denied having. He ran way from fault and sometimes from responsibility as well.

Darwin claims that there is an eternal battle between species for survival. The one who loses - will die. Rodney thinks that it maybe means that there are some justifications for murdering if it's for survival. We eat chicken; after all, we kill bugs. Aren't we the Wraith equivalent of tuna? And he also thinks this is scary that even though he hates them, he can sometimes understand. He would have done the same. Maybe he would have been less brutal and enjoyed the slaughter less but killing is essentially the same. No matter in which package it is wrapped.  
And he thinks that if he can forgive the Wraith, maybe he would one day be able to forgive himself as well.

Abby told him right before she walked out from their engagement that he was the kind of man that comes only once in million years. Passionate and caring with so much intensity that it can burn even the sun.

She walked out later and never came back again. Later he found out she married Billy Donnel.

Rodney sometimes thinks of her and about her words. In the beginning he thought she was right. Maybe he can change but then he realizes that Abby, however smart and funny, didn't know a thing about astrophysics. When a sun ends its life it turns to a black hole- sucking everything and everybody in, destroys the world. This is his true essence, perhaps, not to figure out the world but to swallow it whole, together with the entire humanity.

Rodney lives for black holes. Proving them isn't a challenge any longer since the SGC met one of them in their second year. Still. He wants to meet a black hole of his own, and to name it as Rodney. Or McKay. Wants to be pulled in and to discover its origin - from which planet it collapsed, and why. To study what makes it tick, what enables it to survive for so long and to take the power source it has and to convert it to Atlantis. Wishes to gaze over its singularity and when he's the closest to it, he will be able to see time and space shift around him. He'd be free then. For no sound nor light can be there, no soul. It will be so easy, then.

Blowing up a sun is easy. So is destroying almost whole solar system.

He did it. He should know.

He also touched stars and encountered aliens. Eat that, Billy Donnel. Take that, father. But Rodney knows he can't tell it to a soul. Even not to those he doesn't think have souls. He will never get recognition or respect.

That's ok. Mostly. He doesn't really need recognition, Rodney admits to himself. He's not a social - animal. He's not the Colonel. He's not Ford.  
Hell, he's even not Zelenka. But that's ok. They are not him, either. And he's thankful for that most of the time, being useful. He doesn't need to be liked. Doesn't need to hear 24/7 praises from others. Why bother, Rodney asks, when he can get it from himself for less than half the effort?


	5. Miko

**CHAPTER 4: MIKO  
----------------**

* * *

"Dr… . ?"

"Kusanagi. Dr. McKay. But call me. . call me.. Miko."

"Ok. Miko, how are you?"

"I ' m.. fine. Fine. You?"

"Happily dying here, what do you think?"

"I'm sorry. . I just.. want..ted.. to. . see you."

"You saw me. As half of Atlantis has already. I'm really starting to sympathize with those caged monkeys in the zoo."

"He he. . . hmm. They are just. . concerned about you, Doctor. We... all are. Clearly you can see that."

"Of course I can."

"I talked to Dr. Beckett and. . . he said that you're in a pretty bad shape."

"What the hell happened to patient - doctor confidentiality?"

"I sort of .. peeked in your files."

"You. . what??"

"Please. Dr. McKay, don't yell. . ."

"You looked into my medical files without any regard to my opinion whether I will want... how that unimportant word goes, ah yes- _privacy._"

"I'm.. sorry. I'm. . . sorry. . I was. . concerned."

"Concerned. Hmpff. The whole world is suddenly concerned about my well being."

"That's only because you are such a big man. . . great man. I meant great man. "

"Dr. ."

"Miko."

"Miko. Why are you really here?"

"I already told you. To see how you are."

"Listen, you imbalanced idiot, in case you haven't noticed, I'm dying. Me. Dying! And if you could please, _please_, just honor a dead man's last wish and to never ever come back again, I'll appreciate it. Ok?"

"I'm truly sorry, Dr. McKay, to disturb you. I'll. .. be going."

* * *


	6. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER 5:  
----------------**

He asks for pen and paper. Nobody protests. He's annoyed. _He_ would have asked, just to make them feel better. Maybe even call them idiots to spice things up. A well- insulted staff is a well functioning one, that's his motto.

So he's giving his CD collecting to John, because he knows that it's the best way to torture him, and he's fairly sure that John will listen to them if he asked him to. So he asks. What the hell, he has a reputation to maintain.

Elizabeth is getting his movie collection because she will actually appreciate the classics, and he gives Ronon his baseball bat. He's not sure he wants to know what the former runner will do with it but he specifically asked not to explain Ronon what it was used for. Live and learn by oneself, he says. He'll be watching from above and sell popcorn.

Telya is getting his room, he decides in a spare- of- the- moment kind of decision. She doesn't really have to be in it for any length of time but he knows it's the only way he will ever get her near his bed.  
A guy allows to dream at his deathbed.

If they will ever find Ford. . . he saved a letter from his parents back home.

He doesn't give Becket anything and he feels bad about that. He doesn't have anything left to give.

He grants Radek and the rest of the scientific community in Atlantis the sketches of all the projects he was close to finishing and the manual to the City on which he secretly worked for the past 4 months. He knows they will make a good use out of it. They are slow, his minions, sure, but even they can manage understanding a detailed descriptions.

And he'll miss them. He'll miss all of them.

Heck, he'll miss himself.

The only real thing he asks from them is to tell his sister Jeanie that he loves her. He never said it to her and now it's too late.

Also, he doesn't wish to be cried upon. Tears are his enemy, tears mean it's the end and he refuses to believe that there are people so insensitive that they will wish to cry on him and by that make it clear that to them- he's already dead. He doesn't need to be coddled from reality and doesn't appreciate being falsely liked. He knows where he stands in the eyes of that majority. His whole life was a lie; he doesn't need his death to be as well.

So he curls further inside the blanket, seeking warmth and approval there. He doesn't need people, he really doesn't. In fact, he only wishes that they would leave him alone to die in peace. Ghosts are his friends, let the living leave, he says. May they abandon him already, so when they walk away he'll be dead, and it won't hurt.

Nothing will ever hurt again.


	7. Cadman

**CHAPTER 6: CADMAN  
----------------**

* * *

"Terrorizing the peasants again. McKay?"

"Cadman. Good to see you, too."

"Heard you were. .. "

"Dying?"

"In trouble."

"That's one way of putting it."

"Look, you know that you'll be ok, right?"

"Why exactly should I know that, huh? I know! I'll just _wish_ it better. . ."

"McKay…."

". . . or better yet, I'll simply clap my red shoes twice chanting _there's no thing like youth_ and the good fairy will come and help me!"

"McKay! You're being a bastard again."

"What's new?"

"Don't give me that shit. I've been in your head. I know that right now you're scared, your blood pressure is high, your heartbeat is faster and you have unavoidable urge to kill someone. Seen that."

"That has nothing to do with you being in my head! There's a monitor over here. I'm not blind, you know."

"Hey, stop trying picking on fights. People care about whether you like it or not, they would like to help you and get to know you but you just don't let them in!"

"Going psychological on me, Cadman? I'm dying here, in case you haven't noticed. Was fed by a Wraith, to be exact. I don't _care_ what other god- dammed people want!"

"You should be because those god- dammed people do care about you and right now they are your only hope of getting better."

"Wha. . what are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the whole crew of scientists who are now working their asses off, trying to find something to help you, or about the SGA teams that are currently scouting off-world, risking their lives on a planet we've heard might have something that can help you."

"And you're telling me that just now??"

"Well, I would have told you sooner if you weren't such self- centered."

"I don't ... I don't get you people. Really. I'm trying to delve into a nice mental breakdown here but every time I almost succeed, someone comes and tries to pull me back to the reality. Has it ever occurred to you people that I might not want to face reality? That maybe all that I want is to lie on this unbelievingly cold bed and to feel sorry about myself while my body is slowly shutting down?"

"But maybe we're not ready to give up on you?"

"Yeah, like you care. .."

"If you just stopped feeling sorry for yourself you'd see that . . . damn it, McKay, don't make me spell it out for you!"

"What? That people can't wait to dance on my grave?"

"People are fighting! Katie Brown is crying at her room, you insensitive prick, and only god knows why! We trusted you so many times, McKay. Just for once- trust us."

"Look.. . I really don't like to be pig headed here.. .. I heard the snort.. . .but let's face it. The ancients couldn't find a way to reverse the effects of the Wraith, what makes you think you can? People.. . and can't believe I'm saing that but . . they just have to know when this is their time."

"You need to believe, Rodney, that we can do it. That you can fight. You need to do it, or you'll die."

"Why?"

"Why will you die?"

"No. why should it matter?"


	8. Chapter 7

**CHAPTER 7:  
----------------**

He feels something wet in his eyes but refuses to acknowledge in what this is. Humidity from the weather, probably. He blinks the wetness away and suddenly he is able to breathe more easily. He doesn't need the inscription on his tombstone to be: _here lies Rodney McKay. He cried till the very end._

When he was in College, a young kid in a world of grownups, he was always called a baby. He was scorned and shoved away under the stairs, and when the janitor wasn't around to save him, to the toilet. One day they caught him crying. They beat him so badly he needed stitches. He refused to tell the police who did it and feigned amnesia. There was no point ratting of, he had no proof.  
He never told them that this was the day his mom died.

When he cried ever since he always told people why. He may be a coward but he learnt that laying his heart out before he gets beaten up tends to dull the pain.

He doesn't want to tell anyone why he cries now. Especially not to himself.

The lies we tell ourselves are the ones which tend to stay there the longest. So are the truths. Citrus is the spawn of evil, Rodney found out at the fragile age of 7. One drop- and his windpipe swells and no air is reaching his brain. In about 10 minutes, he can die. Lemons make him more afraid than heights, oranges more scared than a Wraith. So he lets everyone know of his allergies. He knows they call him hypochondriac behind his back. And to his face. He doesn't care. He prefers to live as hypochondriac than to die as a brave man.

That's ironic, though. Everything's ironic in the end, Rodney found as even as a child. Parents scream at him for eating orange and smile when he's eating pizza. A wraith saving his life.

Or what's left of it.

He felt a bit bad starting from when they came to the planet but didn't comment about it, thinking that as always, he's overreacting. So they continued walking while tiny flowers hovered in the air. They were beautiful. And yeah, they were citrus. Or at least this planets equivalent of citrus. And yes, he inhaled them and didn't even realize. And indeed, if the Wraith hadn't caught him when it did, releasing enzyme to Rodney's body when it did, Rodney would have died. Carson told him so today.

One has to _love_ irony.


	9. Elizabeth

**CHAPTER 8: ELIZABETH  
----------------**

* * *

"How are you feeling?"

"Sick of that question."

"I guessed you would be."

"So. . came to try and convince me not to give up?"

"Why, were you planning to?"

"On and off, really. But everyone seems to want warning me to keep fighting. I'm starting to feel like a fraud."

"They mean well."

"Of course they do. Lately the whole world is good and appropriately revolves around me."

"Rodney..."

"What were you thinking, letting SGA-7 and 8 on that planet?"

"So you've heard."

"Cadman told me."

"Yes, little birds fly fast in Atlantis. I didn't want you to be disappointed."

"Damn it, Elizabeth, you know I'm not altruistic but you can't send people on a wild goose hunt for me!"

"Rodney. . . I didn't send them."

". . . you have responsibilities and if the city could be reasonable for one day without me there I would. . . what? Why not?"

"I said I didn't send them. Because I didn't need to. In fact, they _asked_ me to allow this."

"But. . I hardly know them!"

"You saved them on Redoa, remember?"

"The Bug City?"

"Yeah. And then again when you saved Atlantis from the Wraith invasion and when you figured out the nanotechnology, and I'm not even speaking about not letting the city sink when we just got here. . ."

"I get that. I'm invaluable. You can stop now."

"People here care about you, Rodney."

"So I've been constantly heard. Starting to suspect a conspiracy. Or an alternate universe."

"Don't do that. Don't push me away."

"I'm not pushing anyone away . . . ok, I am. But I'm depressed. Let me be alone for a while and I'll be the old me again."

"You've been left alone too long as it is. I'm not going to make the same mistake twice."

"But. . that has nothing to do with that time and you know it."

"God, Rodney, you didn't leave your room for 3 days because we listened to you. Carson said that you could have died."

"That's not the same. Then. . I wanted to die. Elizabeth, it was different. Ford just left, Atlantis was in ruins, the drug Carson gave me made me all woozy... it was different."

"We still shouldn't have left you."

"You were busy."

"That's not an excuse!"

"I forgave you already, hell, I was never angry. Just let it go."

"I'm not ready to lose you yet. Not again. Please don't ask it from me."

"You think I _want_ to die?"

"No, but I don't see you fighting!"

"What else would you want me to do? I'm not Sheppard. The city doesn't listen to me. It barely lets me in."

"It's just . . . not fair."

"Fair? What in that situation looks fair to _you_?"

"You're not dead yet, that's something. That's being lucky."

"If that's what you call luck you can have mine."

"It's going to be ok, Rodney."

"No, that's the point, can't you see it. I can fight it but it will still NOT BE OK! Even if you'll find exactly what you need and I'll live, I will still be old. Very old. I'll die in a few years not like a hero, but in my sleep. Like an old man. Yesterday I was 38 years old. Now I'm more than 80. Do the math, Elizabeth. I just lost half of my life and there's nothing anyone can do to make it better."

"Rodney. . ."

"No! I don't want to hear anymore. Just listen. For once in your life- don't talk. Just listen to me."

"I'm listening."

"I've never wanted this to be like that. You know. .. I thought my life would be different. But it hasn't. Big ha ha, I'm sure. But I just wanted to say . . . don't you dare feeling guilty over this. Because I. . I won't let you. I forbid you. And try not to sink Atlantis, ok?"

"I promise."

"Now if you could just call Carson over here.. ."

"Sure, do you... need something?"

"No. I'm _great_. Just call Carson."

* * *


	10. Chapter 9

**CHAPTER 9:  
----------------**

There's an hourglass only he can see by his bed and though there's a little time left, he's afraid from the doings of gravity. Funny, huh?  
No matter if he believes in the law of gravity by Newton or Einstein, one thing stays clear: gravity is directly proportionate to the mass or the density of a planet. And Atlantis is bigger and denser. Hence, the gravity here pulls stronger than on Earth and he finds that fitting, even if a bit ironic and morbid, that it means that time runs out in hourglasses faster here.  
He found that out on one warm day while he and John played Chess together after the storm. He won, of course.  
Now it's a storm of a different kind. He's not sure he can win this one.

Rodney likes thunderstorms as an idea. They scare him in real life. He knows this is foolish to be so afraid of them but as a child he always thought they were bad omens. Lightnings are different. Since the speed of light is the fastest, he can always be sure that they will come first. Warn him of evils to come. Getting lost in a forest at the age of 10, Rodney came to thank them. They were too far away to hurt him yet were bright enough to show him the way home. Hansel and Gretel like, a few centuries later. Finding out the scientific reason for their existence didn't take the magic away. Probably because he never believed in magic in the first place. Maybe it even gave them magic, in a way. Reason _is _magic to him. It always exists. And why should he believe in something he can't touch?

Trust is like that. He can't touch it and it's never constant. People disappoint you, he found out, even when they don't mean to.

_They will not come for you_. That's what the Wraith told him. It was wrong, of course. Yet even if it died, its words keeps hunting him, reminding him of his failure. He barely did anything while the Wraith grabbed him but mostly waited and hoped more than anything that he would be saved. He was completely helpless and maybe this was ther reason he was almost got killed. Maybe, and this isn't something he really wants to think about, but maybe this was his fault all along. Not Sheppard's, Teyla's and Ronon's. He wanted it to be their fault, obviously. It was easy to believe that they will abandon him, that he can't trust them. Can't trust anyone. To be mad of them. They were easy targets, and he was a coward for taking this way.

But really, _he_ can't be blamed. It is his life circumstances that should take the fault, by Rodney's perspective. Experience matters more than logic, or maybe this is logic. His. Why believing that someone cares when they keep going away? People leave, Rodney found out, and sometimes they die and leave all the same. Even dogs abandon when they find a more suitable owner. At least his did.

He didn't think about Dog in years.

Cats are different. Cat People are different, too. They have other personalities, other hobbies. A cat is an animal that doesn't give warmth and fuzziness easily. Affection has to be earned. At the first days he forgot to bring his cat food for two days. In the beginning it rubbed in his foot, trying to make him get up and bring it food. Rodney didn't understand. After he did, Pinocchio was angry about him for a long time.  
Maybe it never forgave him. Maybe he himself didn't forgive himself. Lack of food is dangerous, he always knew, and his cat was almost brought to starvation.

A funny name, Pinocchio. People tell him that all the time. For why should a cat be named after a wooden puppet? Rodney never tells them but the truth is that for him, all life is just wooden dolls.


	11. Teyla

**CHAPTER 10: **TEYLA  
**----------------**

* * *

"Greetings, Dr. McKay."

"Teyla. . . hi."

"I have come to inquire about your health."

"Yean, I figured that much."

"I do not understand, would you not wish for people to care about your well- being?"

"Yeah, I'm justifiably overjoyed. Just. . . spread the rumor that I'm fine, will you?"

"I will do my best."

"Thanks."

"I have also come to ask for your forgiveness."

"Fo . . forgiveness?"

"Is your hearing troubling you again? I was led to believe that the hearing device Dr. Beckett inserted to your ear helps."

"Yes, it does. Really, eternally grateful to the good doctor here, just- - I would really liked if I didn't need it in the first place."

"I see. I am also grievously saddened for your loss."

"Not as much as loss as inconvenience, but more to the point, why are you asking me to forgive you?"

"Was I not clear? It was my duty as a member of your team as well your friend to keep you safe. I must plead for forgiveness for my failure."

"Waa. . wait. It's not your job to protect me. Ok, it is. Hey, you're right! It was your job to protect me and you failed."

"I am very sorry for that."

"As you should be."

"Should I leave?"

"What? No. it's ok. You're far less annoying than the average visitor."

"But are you not angry about my inability?"

"Not really. I'm pretty sure it was my fault, too."

"How so?"

"I let Dick get me."

"Dick?"

"The Wraith. God, the Colonel is rubbing on me. Don't tell him."

"As you wish. But this was not your fault for being captured. Many great heroes from my village have fallen victim to the Wraith. You were... overpowered."

"Thank you. It makes me feel _so_ much better now that I know you think I'm weak."

"I merely suggested that the enzyme made them stronger than humanly possible."

"Really? If you were there, held by that . . . thing, I'm sure you would have found a way to escape."

"I was a witness to your situation, Doctor. I am positive that there was nothing you were able to do."

"So I'm simply cursed. Great. Way to go, Murphy."

"I was not aware that there is a Murphy at your expedition."

"Oh, no no no no. this is an earthy saying. You see, Murphy was a sailor who talked about the probability of things to go to hell when you least expect it. Like... a bread will always fall on the buttered side."

"We had a similar saying on Athos- if a man shakes an apple tree, the fruit will descend on his friends."

"I guess I can see a vague similarity..."

"Doctor, are you unwell?"

"No. just a little dizzy here for a second. Trust me, in a minute it will pass."

"Perhaps this is time to call Dr. Beckett?"

"I don't think you should."

"Has something occurred between you and Doctor Beckett?"

"You can say that. Na, it's ok. He's probably sleeping anyway."

"Does he not have a replacement?"

"Sure. But she's been thoroughly bribed to leave me the hell alone."

"I am not sure this is wise doing so."

"Pl-ease. I'm a genius. Besides, there is not much they can do."

"Elderliness is a revengeful illness."

".. . . are you. . were you ever. . afraid of dying?"

"Of course. I lived most of my life under the shadow of the Wraith. Death was a constant fact in our lives."

"Did it change?"

"In a way. We are still fearful, yet now we have hope to fight and for the first time we know we might win."

"Because of us."

"Thanks to you."

"But we awakened the Wraith."

"And also helped to fight them and correct your mistakes. The Lantiens inspired much needed confidence in my people, hope that was nearly extinguished before."

"At least something good came out of us coming here."

"You regret coming to Atlnatis."

"Sometimes. I don't know. Thing are complicated on Earth. I didn't really fit in."

"Were not your wisdom and expertise admired?"

"You would think that, wouldn't you?"

"Have you done something enormous to anger them?"

"No. Honestly, I was my usual charming self."

"Then perhaps the reason is that they were envy."

"Ha! I knew it. They denied, of course, but I am the smartest man in 2 galaxies, after all."

"It would seem so"

"Yeah. Maybe."

"Does your head hurt again?"

"What? Oh, no... just thinking."

"Should I leave?"

"If you want to."

"What I meant was- should I leave you to your musing?"

"Nothing important really. Was just thinking how life seems different when you're at their wrong end."

"You are afraid."

"What are you, Miss Obvious? Of course I'm afraid! I'm about to die!"

"As long as you live there is still hope."

"Hope, shmope. We both know that the only person who has any chance to reverse the effects is stuck right here under _doctor orders_."

"I believe your staff is capable enough and proved so many times."

"Oh, please. What is it with you women that you insist telling me that very time?"

"I was not aware of any other female who told you do."

"Sam. Well, not really, she was my subconscious. Still.. .I'd like to be there when they figure it out, ok?"

"Perhaps I should talk to Dr. Beckett?"

"Please try, but I don't think that Dr. Voodoo here will listen to anyone but himself. Besides, I already told you. He's sleeping."

"When he awakens, then."

"Sure, go ahead."

"In the meantime, I suggest that you return to your rest."

"Yes, my rest. As if this isn't the only thing I'm doing here these days."

"I believe it would make you better. Less angry, perhaps."

"No, it'd still be angry. Besides, on Earth there's a prayer that asks God to bring one's soul back when he awakes, as if the night is death."

"You will not die in your sleep, Dr. McKay. Your friends will watch over you."

* * *


	12. Chapter 11

**CHAPTER 11:  
----------------**

His chest is somewhat heavier but he doesn't let that interrupt him nor bothers informing the medical staff. They're doing the best they can, he's sure of that, and while he's a whiner he's also a paranoid and doesn't have a strong desire of any kind to be stabbed by a syringe for the 40th time today alone in any parts of his anatomy, concealed or otherwise.  
Carson will be mad; he knows but can't bring himself to care. Carson will live.

No one should die alone. Rodney's not big on social contributes but even his oafish mind gets the "not leaving anyone behind" rule, even if it only applies to sit next to a dying friend. He sat near Gaul when he died. Not that it helped either of them but he likes to think that it made a difference after all. Gaul died scared and in the most horrible way possible, yes, but he didn't die alone.

Rodney isn't sure that he gets intellectually why it should matter but he knows that it does. Maybe that's why he's not letting himself die just yet. Not all of his friends came to visit him yet and he knows it's just a matter of time. So he closes his eyes and opens them a second later, hoping someone came. Because frankly, fighting the tiredness is getting harder by the minute and he knows that soon all his famed stubbornness won't be enough. The mind can postpone death only so much. He learnt for 2 months how the body works. He knows. He learnt medicine when he was younger, driven by the pride in his father's eyes. But he couldn't cut bodies; he couldn't even hope he would be ever able to operate living people. What happens to dreams when we die? Rodney wonders. Are they dying, too?

And he doesn't want to die alone. No one wants to. Some people are just better at hiding it from themselves.

He wants to think that he's beyond caring what people think of him. He didn't need that said world before, why should it be any different now?

But the fact is that it is different and not only because he's in a different world. He maybe came to Atlantis knowing he can die but only now he can see his life clear enough- inhibitions and doubts have little place in one's mind when he knows his time upon the earth is too short, and his ego is not needed as well. Who would have believed? But the fact is that life before Atlantis were, well... dull. He came every day from his lab to a deserted home and to a non sympathizing cat. The highlights of his day were if anyone talked to him so Rodney could insult him, could feel alive again. After a while they stopped trying to interact and he stopped caring. He didn't need them. Any of them. Deep down he knows that maybe he had a fault in this situation as well but he couldn't change. Maybe he didn't want it badly enough. Maybe he was scared. Probably both. And so the days passed, sometimes 2 or 3 days passed without him muttering a single word to his co-workers.

Every once in a while, when the tension was too much, he escaped to the coffee shop.

No matter how unliked he was, people always talked with paying costumers, that's the main thing he leant in that period in his life. This is how he became caffeine- addicted. Not because he craved more hours to the day, he already had more than he knew what to do with, but sometimes it was the only way he could exercise his mouth to do anything besides eating. Screw his hyperglycemia; in that time he simply liked to move his mouth and eating was a better excuse than talking to himself. It didn't hurt that it always made him feel better afterwards.

He never told this to anyone before. Nobody ever cared. But maybe he changed a bit since then, or maybe everyone else did. Whatever it is, things in Atlantis. .. changed. He wouldn't go as far as to say that he popular and vastly- sought- after but he was mostly tolerated and to him that was a huge change. People hung to his words and laughed when he said sarcastic things and even when he tried to make them go away, they didn't. They chose to stick. Only god knows why. And about in that time he discovered that he became addicted to other things as well; conversations, trading barbs, comfortable silences and even, a bit, to the people themselves. He became more than just accustomed to them but discovered that he _needed_ their presence. He requires their trust. And when they weren't there- it was worse than caffeine withdrawal.

Katie is coming to seat next to him. She asks him things but he plays the deaf card and knows she's too polite to shout in the infirmary. So they both sit silently- she's sitting silently, he's lying silently on his back- and he thinks of the days that are yet to come and he's suddenly so weary that all he wants is to close his eyes.

There are pictures of whole life that he sees; of defeating the Wraith and falling in love and even, who would have believed, having kids. He sees himself reconciling with Jeannie and visiting mom's grave and asking her to forgive him that he wasn't there for so long but he was simply too far away and couldn't make it. For more than a year? Yes, he's sorry. Classified. But he'll tell her anyway, because she's his mother, and anyway, he bets she knows already. He's visiting Billy Donnel, the jock who made his life a living hell in high school, and telling him he forgives him, right before punching him straight in the face. 3 times. Once for each year he suffered.

And he sits on a bench, and it's summer and then winter and then summer again and he's cold and warm and content. He sees himself happy and knows this is the way of his mind to deal with the aging of his body but his mind stayed the same, with a huge blank gap of memories and years that he knows he will never be able to fill.

If wishes were horses he would have rode away from here back to earth to see for one last time the life he abandoned and then, he'd be able to die in peace. But wishes are in fact holes, Rodney muses. If he'd think about them too hard, he might fall.


	13. Carson

**CHAPTER 12: CARSON  
-------------------**

* * *

"how are ya feeli'?" 

"Done sulking?"

"That was.. unprofessional of me."

"Yeah, well. So you came around?"

"Rodney. . ."

"Then we have nothing else to talk about!"

"Ya can'e expect me to help your suicide!"

"So don't help me. Who needs you?"

"Lad.. . "

"No! I asked you to do me a favor and help me. But you're too scared to do anything about it."

"This is not. . ."

"Yes it is! You're always too scared to do things. To go off world, to find new things. But you always came around in the end to help people. Why can't you this once to come around for me?"

"This is different!"

"Look, I'll put it in writing, ok? It won't be your fault."

"This isn't about that.. . "

"The Hippocrates oath? Nobody needs to know!"

"Will ya let me speak??! This is my professional diagnosis that ya will continue to live. . "

"As on old man!"

". . .yes, as an old man. But ya can live. More even 20 years if ya live right. I cannoe in clear consciousness call your situation terminal."

"But it is terminal! I was fed by a Wraith! A wraith! Why isn't anyone taking this seriously?"

"We do. .."

"No. that's enough. Next time either you do as I ask, or don't come at all."

* * *


	14. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER 13**  
----------------

He's not someone who likes changes. Never was. His entire life differences meant one step lower. Always one stair higher intellectually, two down by all other aspects. So he learnt to hate changes, accept them and love them. All at the same time. All until he didn't know what to feel anymore. He's an ambivalent person. That's how others call him. That's how he calls himself. He's afraid to death every time something changed. He's afraid from death every time it doesn't. Even when he was called to Atlantis, he almost didn't come. Maybe that would have been better. He doesn't know how the alternative would have been. He's not God.

No. he would lie if he said that all changes were bad. Jeannie's birth has been good. He didn't appreciate it back then, and he's not entirely sure that he's ready to acknowledge this now, but she was the glue that kept the family together. She stood by him as a child. Because she was a child and he was her big brother. That's what children do, what children know. Life was simpler then. 1st grade wasn't so bad. Kids laughed at him and called him the teachers pet though all the teachers pretty much hated him, sure, but kids laugh at everyone. This is also what they do. Besides, finally it was OK to want more, to seek knowledge and to learn things other than of talking frogs and animated sponges. It was alright to be smart here; this is what you were supposed to do. And all of a sudden he was normal again because he wanted normal things- good grades and to know how to read 3rd stage books even though the education program was only up to the first, and to hate grammar and the color brown. That was acceptable, _normal_.

But then he got introduced to numbers. At first he didn't find them exciting. One stretch on a board is One, twice is Two and ten times was Ten. It was logical, but this logic was equivalent to the one found in letters- they were both constant but pretty much useless. But then Sheila came, and with her the magic of math: Magic Cubes and mathematic riddles, probability, equations- first with X's and then Y's and Z's. He felt like on a roller coaster. No matter what he wanted to know, there was always- MORE. And Rodney, at the innocent age of 7 was determined to know all of this till his 6th grade.

Rachel Delany was different from anyone he met before and in an age when boys supposed to hate girls, 11 years old Rodney was in love for the first time in his life. Looking back, she probably liked him, too. She went to Extra Class with him and at the end- of- the- year party, they danced. It was the purest love he will ever experience.

Rachel's mom was a famous pianist and in the first time he heard Rachel playing the piano- he was hooked.

It took 3 years for that obsession to die an abrupt but cruel death. By that time Rachel was with another boy, his fingers were aching from arthritis and his math abilities scraped the floor. His dreams of learning mathematics were pretty much dead by that time, too. In fact, in the age of 14 Rodney got his first depression episode.

He always did things earlier than anyone else.

He hates psychologists ever since.

Sometimes he thinks that he was not well equipped to life. He was simply tossed into them, trying desperately to find a way out, but never could. And the days keep coming and going, but he cannot find the door that will lead him back to what once was, before everything.

What happens when we die? He wonders and maybe he said that out loud because he knows that Katie's hand is now resting on his forehead but he can't feel it, his mind knowing he should be feeling something but his body betraying him.  
Maybe this is how one feels when he's dead. Wanting to feel sensations but the body refuses to comply.

Maybe he fell asleep because the next time he opens his eyes she's gone and his chest is feeling even heavier. He's a bit cold, too, but it's better than the numbness so he doesn't complain.

Inwardly. He'll let them know vocally of his discomfort as soon someone will come to check him, freezing bastards.

And they call _him_ cold hearted…

He doesn't do waiting well. Nor doing nothing. That's why the paralysis the wraith stunner inflicts scares him even more than the sucking- of –life issue.

There are a lot of things he takes for granted. Moving, for instance. What could be more natural? Yet when the Wraith stunner hit him, he knew to rearrange his priorities pretty quickly. All the energy filled his brain but none came to his legs, and this time it were his legs that could get him out. Running away could save him, but he couldn't do it. So what was the point of having a functional brain in these times when all its use was that he stayed consciousness through the whole process of feeding, through the pain, through the hate, the hope, the anger . . . through everything? He could see it all, and to imagine what was happening to him.  
But he couldn't say a word. He couldn't run away. He couldn't scream to alert his team.

Now, hooked to machines, McKay thinks that maybe the military goons had it right after all. There are moments in which body is more important than brains.

There's just something about losing the ability to do anything by himself, to be totally dependant on another human being. Maybe if he trusted people more, it would have been easier but he has serious doubts about it. He trusts his team with his life. His pack is another matter entirely.  
They broke his laptop. The fact that they did it while saving his life redeem them only a little.

He doesn't want to but he knows he's going to miss them. Weird, but that's the only thing he could think of while the Wraith grabbed him.


	15. Ronon

**CHAPTER 14:** RONON  
----------------

* * *

"McKay."

"Ronon. You wouldn't believe who came."

"Teyla. To ask for your forgiveness."

"Ok, you were supposed to let me tell it. Never mind. How did you know?"

"She spoke to me before. She was very distressed."

"I can only assume that you are more enlightened than her."

"It's understandable to be mad about us."

"Here we go again. Why should I be mad about you?"

"We left you with the Wraith, we let it feed on you, we didn't consider it a risk when you started coughing."

"Do you _want_ me to be mad about you?"

"If it helps."

"It helped you?"

"Sometimes."

"Being angry of the Wraith or of your village?"

"Both. "

"So in case you haven't heard, you're a day late. Sheppard and Carson can vouch for any anger- management issues I've had."

"It made you feel better?"

"To e angry about them? Hell, Yes!"

"Are you still angry?"

"No."

"Oh."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"I understand."

"Sheppard?"

"The Wraith."

"What.. ?"

"I understand the Wraith."

"Should I call Dr. Beckett?"

"No. I'm serious. You killed people, right?"

"What's the connection?"

"You did it, right? For survival. I can tell."

"I don't see. . ."

"They do, too. Kill, I mean, for survival."

"What are you trying to say?"

"Maybe we've been fighting with the wraith in the wrong way all this long."

"They can't eat regular food, McKay. Remember what happened with Ellia?"

"We don't need food."

"What are you talking about?"

"Humans. Not on the purest sense of the word."

"I've lost you."

"We only eat food because it contains the materials we need."

"Ok."

"I've been thinking. The Wraith suck the soul."

"Soul, life. Ok..."

"But we don't have souls. Energy. We have energy."

"And they need the energy?"

"They need the energy. Carson couldn't tell how they are so invulnerable. It's because nothing can hurt energy. They are like the Ascended. The Ancients."

"So you're saying the Ancients are the Wraith's original food?"

"No. they _are _the ancients. Their first evolution. This is not a bug that did it to the humans who first became to be Wraith. It's the humans themselves."

* * *


	16. Chapter 15

**CHAPTER 15  
-------------------**

Eternity is overrated. Maybe a minute passed. Maybe a year. All feels the same in the process of feeding. Later he found out that it was 40 years, give or take.  
He gave, the Wraith took.

He doesn't want to think about it but the images just won't leave him.

While he was clutched by the Wraith he could feel life dripping away from his veins and entering the Wraith's. Bob's. Steve's. It doesn't matter. It's not alive to enjoy the life Rodney gave him.

John shot him.

He knows this is really fucked up but he can't help but to be angry about Sheppard a bit. The fucking Wraith took Rodney's life and didn't do with it anything. He died a second later. It was all meaningless.  
That's the sum of his life, he's afraid. After all those years- just a pile of dead limbs on the cave ground.  
That's not how he wants to end. A pile of dead limbs.

He doesn't want to end, period. He knows he doesn't have the luxury. The machines, even the wonder- ancients ones, can't keep him alive forever.

Science is a selfish thing. It thinks of itself and grows out of admiration. A monster, if you will. It eats ideas and lives of people who invested in it and it treats them with cruelty- one miscalculation, and the whole house of cards collapses. It doesn't work to please people, but people are forcing science to help them- build them machines to prolong their lives and to harvest their food so the wouldn't die from hunger. And the cost is great. Electricity calls Rodney, all the time. This is his sanity and insanity because without both he can't operate the machines. And they are precise and forgiving and revengeful and take lives.

The machines are breathing for him now and he thinks that maybe this is their way of repaying him for everything he sacrificed to make them work all these years.


	17. Zelenka

**CHAPTER 16: ZELENKA  
-------------------**

"Rodney?"

"Zelenku, hello. . . "

"Don't give me that. I heard you pronounce my name correctly at the hall last Monday."

"And they say that _I'm _getting deaf. ."

"Still in a cheerful mood as ever, I see."

"What about you? Managed to blow up something today?"

"Not yet. But Kavangh is still asleep. Wait till lunch."

"Yes, a scientist work is never done. So why did you come?"

"Huh?"

"If you didn't come to ask for my expertise to help with your screw ups, why are you here?"

"You are. .. blbec, hlupák **_(idiot, stupid)._** .. .you are a very stupid man, Rodney."

"I'm sorry? Must I remind you that I'm a well- acknowledged genius?"

"Maybe. But a total idiot in the ways of people."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"You don't see?"

"No! If I would, I wouldn't have asked, right? God, and they call you the second smartest person around here."

"I didn't come to see you from any reason that is science- related. Is that clear enough?"

"You're not getting my Back to the Future CD."

"I would have said something inappropriate.. mi Bůh. **_( my god)._**"

"Leave God out of it.. . "

"Are you a religious man, Rodney?"

"Don't use that teasing voice on me. On the contrary, in fact. An atheist."

"Oh."

"I can only assume by your reaction that you are one religiously zealous Czech. Get your beliefs off me."

"I'm not religious, Rodney. I just believe that there are some points in life when a man has to believe in something."

"I happen to believe in science."

"Then Science is your god."

"I don't pray for it, nor caper around with silly victory dances around it, thank you very much. Your opinion of me is heartwarming."

"I only suggested that everybody needs something to believe in. You believe in science. I respect that."

"You don't believe in it, too?"

"Sometimes. It's hard to believe in God after hearing about the Goa'uld in our universe and seeing all those amazing things the Ancients did that we used to contribute to God. Still, I think this is easier to talk to an entity that you at least hope can hear you."

"Talk to yourself then, that's my ideal."

"One which you do very well."

"Thank you. . . wait, was that sarcasm?"

"Maybe. But Rodney, you have to talk with someone about how you feel. If not to us and not to God, at least tell it to yourself."

"Are you kidding? This is me we are talking about. If I had problem, you would have heard about it by now."

"True. And when was the last time you insulted someone?"

"Just now!"

"Properly."

"That's not the point. I had a lot on my mind. Are you honestly telling me that something is wrong with me because I recently acquired _manners?"_

_"_Weird, yes?"

"Very. Are you sure _you're_ ok?"

"So so. The anti - aging formula we're working on is giving me a headache. The rational numbers are inconstant."

"Having trouble with the third line again?"

"Yes. Dr. Loditiy says the energy booster we gave it is insignificant in relation of the power it needs."

"Then give it more."

"It will blow the circuits."

"Change the circuits."

"We tried. Emergency protocols don't allow us to do so."

"Must I dictate you everything? Shut them off."

"We don't know where they are!"

"Huh, what do you mean?"

"I mean, big genius, that its whole width is 1.2 micrometers."

"Aw."

"Exactly. We're having problems synchronizing our machines with this one. The Atlnatians believed in magnitude, as you're well aware."

"So that's it. I'm doomed."

"We haven't given up yet."

"I'm glad to see that at last one of us is keeping an open mind. Too bad it's not the one who's going to die!"

"Rodney! You are not going to die."

"You just said. . ."

"That we're working on it. It will take time."

"In case you didn't notice, I don't exactly have time!. . . shit.. it's. .. .happ. . .happenin.. . aga. . iin.."

"Nurse! He's having trouble breathing!"

"She. . knows that alr. ..ready. tehre's.. . noth. ..nothi. .nothing. .. . they can. . do. It will end in a . . mionute. .. "

". . ."

"What?"

"Better?"

"Yes, Radek. No thanks to you."

"What was I supposed to do?"

"Help me put on the oxygen mask, maybe."

"The nurse did it."

"In the end. She signaled you to do it for ages before she gave up."

"Sorry. . ."

"You see, that's why you need to leave me alone and go work on something that will actually help me."

"Rodney. . "

"What? Are you still here? Go go go!"

"Rodney!"

"What?!"

"I'm sorry."

"What do you mean?"

"I lied before. We can't figure things out."

"What are you, grad students? Work on a different angle."

"We tried. . . the life- prolonger. .. it's ruined."

"It's.. so why you said. . '

"I'm sorry."

"I'm dying."

"Rodney. . "

"No, shut up. I really am going to die. There's nothing you can do. You. . you.. you broke the machine!"

"I'm sorry, we. . . we tried."

"Tell that to my ghost!"

"There are other things we can try. .. "

"No, there aren't. I'm the head of the scientific community here. I know what which resources we have and what we simply can't dream of having. And this is the latter!"

"Maybe I should . . go."

"Yes, go. Leave the dead man."

"You're not dead."

"Yet."

"You're not helping matters by being pessimistic."

"So I guess I should be all happy and joyous?"

"No, but you could hope."

"When you die, I'll let you decide what to do with you final hour, ok?"

"I'm going. . ."

"Wait, Radek... ":

"Yes, Rodney?"

"As a member of the science believers . .. what do you think we do when we are about to die?"

"We regret."


	18. Chapter 17

**Chapter 17:  
---------------**

Hindsight is a great thing. What if's are even better. But they aren't useful, and Rodney is anything but impractical. Sitting all day long and calculating the chances of different scenarios and the positive way they could have ended isn't as enjoyable activity as he would have thought. He's too pessimistic, and even if he wants to blame it all on Sheppard's stupid heroics or his own misfortune, he knows that really it was all just a matter of time. He could feel the clock ticking starting from the day he set foot in Atlantis. Everything there began with the wrong side- not long after they arrived they found out that the city was about to sink and later... everything happened. He should have seen the signs.

He doesn't believe in utopia. He wants to, but can't. Mohagana took care of that.

When he arrived to Mohagana, his first impression was – well, wow. It was obviously technologically advanced, and thank god for that, he really started to get worried that they'll never find suitable allies, and if he liked nature and even when he didn't, he still had to admit that the view was astonishing. It was alien in the full meaning of the word and while he got used of alien, he didn't see such landscape as this ever before.

If he had to admit to himself, and only god knows why he had to, it weren't the 3 moons that ticked him off. Even not the fact that 2 of them were purple and the other one was green, although that was a pretty obvious factor. The trees were white; the grass orange and little monkey- like creatures crawled here and there. But it was more than that. The planet had a feeling of security. That was the thing that surprised him the most. How come such advanced society managed to avoid fights, wars, heck- disagreements! There had to be something fishy here, he thought and inwardly ordered himself to be always on guard. It wasn't exactly a gut feeling, but he for one knew how unreliable these were. It was more of a common sense. People can't be happy. Period. After a time they get jealous and petty and want more than their own share.

The failure of the communist revolution back on earth proved that peace and equality are hard to come by, how did these people managed?

So, as any self declared genius, he began to search. For what's wrong. It became to be his own personal quest and because they were such good allies and seemed to like their team the best, must be Sheppard's ever- lasting charm, they got to visit this place a lot. And who would have believed- no matter how much he tried to dig in and ask and prod and annoy, and he's the first person who'll admit that the latter is his specialty, they continued being. .._nice._ It was creepy.

Fine, so he was also a bit paranoid. Trust is overrated.

He went once, twice, 5 times. . . and even when Elizabeth started to show signs of wonder why he's always so anxious to go there he didn't stop requesting to. People started to think he _liked_ going there, for crying out loud!

It was at the 7th visit that he realized that it was true. He did like to be there. It was peaceful as he never thought possible and lacked earth- size idiots. They liked technology. They liked him, why shouldn't he like them back, actually? And anyway, it always felt right to go there as it never been anywhere else.

As he already surely mentioned- paranoia is overrated.

They were in one of their usual trading visits, which was frankly more like meet- and – greet session since he was no diplomat and wouldn't want to be, when Atlantis called through their new secured telephones. Secured wave lengths, biosphere codes, never mind. Elizabeth was online. The Genii found that you were here, she said. They were angry of these peoples, she said. They were about to send a bomb.

One of their allies' spies found that out and related the message, and thank god that he did. You have to get out of there, she said. Fast, she said.

And Rodney heard what she said, panicked, grabbed the Colonel with one hand and pushed Teyla in the other. And ran. Ran faster than he ever thought possible. Ran faster. . than anything he ever thought possible. Like the wind, maybe. Like a sound wave. He stumbled and fell and bruised and didn't halt to say hi to people.

People.

He stopped.

"What are you doing?" Sheppard bumped into him, then not wasting time and getting back on his feet.

"These people. They'll die." And for the first one he was the noble one. Who would have thought? Who would have imagined that the Genii would make him so?

"We can't help them. If we warn everyone, we will _all_ die. Now hurry. Quickly."

He stole a quick look behind him and continued to run. Ran faster than he ever thought possible. Like a wounded animal, maybe. Like guilt.

"Is everything ok?" He heard one of the Mohaganies calling after them, concerned.

"Yes. Everything is fine. We have to leave." He heard Teyla call and just like Lot's wife he felt compelled to turn back and look. Maybe not like her, like human. But he didn't. He continued to run and run and run again. Till he couldn't anymore, and even then- he continued. The gate that he was sure was nearby in the morning was stretched to be miles ahead. It surely wasn't, but what did it matter, away?

They finally reached the gate. Hit the symbols and fell through the semi water. His molecules were parted and placed again in order, but maybe it hadn't been done right because when he came to the other side his eyes were wet, and he's sure that he wasn't crying.

"Are you ok?" Elizabeth was there, beautiful and consistent and there. _There_. So he smiled, because he owed her, because this was thanks to her that he's alive. This was thanks to Sheppard's training that he didn't panic in the last moment and thanks to Beckett that his knees didn't buckle because he was there and forced him to sit down.

So, "yes" he answers and realized he was. Or would be. Whatever.

He was alive.

After a while he laughed. Not hysterically, he wasn't sure he's even capable of feeling anything but calmness anymore, and made tactless jokes with everyone of how the Genii probably built the bomb wrong because they didn't have him there, and he is the smartest man in two galaxies, after all. He joked of the poor coffee supply and of the lousy food, because even the ants have limits and that's why there are no ants in Atlantis, and everyone was laughing.

He was laughing. While in the background Weir was silent and grim.

In that night he dreamt of home. Canada was stretched before him, and there was calmness. He slept better than he did in a long time.

In the morning he found out that nothing happened. The Genii didn't send a bomb. In the first moment he felt something like disappointment. He was promised that it would be ruined, why wasn't it done?

He felt guilty of this feeling immediately because even he, the non- people person realized that it was wrong to feel that way. Later Sheppard came and asked him if he's ok. He answered that he is. He's glad that nothing happened; otherwise he would have never been able to live with himself. And John looked at him like he was a good person and in his eyes shone the pride, that he's friends with such a moral guy. But Rodney knew that moral had nothing to do with it. It was all a lie, even though he was telling the truth, it's a lie. Or maybe it was the truth and he was happy that nothing happened, but it still was a lie. It would always be. He would always remember that for a whole second, he felt sorry that people he liked didn't die.

He didn't return to that planet again. Elizabeth tried to make him talk about it but even when he didn't cooperate she didn't force him to go to there anymore. In fact, none of his team came back.

He once asked Telya why it is. She answered that if the Genii were ready to kill peaceful people because of her presence there, she prefers that she wouldn't be there. He asked her if she's ok. She said that she was and he could tell that she was telling the truth.

She wasn't a liar like him.

He's not sure what happened with the trading after that. He simply wasn't interested. Whenever he talked about Mohagana it was done laugher and joy that nothing happened. Maybe he learnt to feel that way, too. But he could still remember this place, and exactly where he was when he heard the call from Elizabeth. Could remember what was said a second before.

He didn't remember a single face.

Once, at night, he dreamt that Mohagana is burning. That dream never came again.


	19. Carson2

**CHAPTER 18: CARSON  
--------------------**

* * *

"I heard that ya no longer wish to die."

"Radek has a big mouth."

"A big heart, more like it."

"Semantics."

"What brought the change?"

"I still have things to do. You were right. I can still do them old."

"That's good."

"You sound… reserved."

"Ya really freaked me out before, Rodney. Saying that you wanted to die."

"Tact is not one of my stronger shticks."

"It's not about ya being your usual insensitive prick. Ya were ready to die, Rodney. To give up on everything."

"I got scared. You know how I am when I get like that."

"Yeah. And that frightens me."

"I'm not suicidal, Carson. Give it a rest."

"Ya coulda fooled me."

"You're not unleashing Heightmeyer on me, are you?"

"No, I'm not. But I looked in your file.. . ."

"I was 14. Everything is very tragic when you're a teenager. And when you're being sucked dry by a Wraith."

"I heard about your theory."

"I figured you might have."

"Do ya really think so, Rodney? That we can screw things so badly and mutate ourselves to bugs?"

"You're the physician. It's only a theory. It's possible?"

"Theoretically. The Wraith are regression in our evolution. It's. . . quite achievement to do so."

"Contrary to ascension?"

"This was a good change."

"A physical change. People can stay either good or bad in that other higher plane."

"And Wraith. Do you think there are 'higher' Wraith?"

"When they're not thinking about food, maybe."

"You've changed, lad."

"Funny what death can do to you."

"A cheery thought. Ya're feeling better now?"

"Not really. But I'm trying to keep my paranoia in check. It helps with my breathing."

"Still having problems. .. ?"

"Yeah. Jaclyn here just told me that there's nothing that can be done. Age, I believe she called it."

"I'm sorry."

"Can you do something about it?"

"No, she's right. At a certain age the cells are beginning to disintegrate. And your body has been through a lot."

"Then don't be sorry. It's not your fault."

"You're awfully calm about it all of a sudden. Who are ya and what have ya done with the real Rodney McKay?"

"Don't worry; I'm not bottling emotions up. The moment you'll go I'll have a nice tantrum fit."

"It's ok to have one when I'm here, too, ya know. I'm still your friend."

"I know. But then you'll be upset and then I'll think of your distress and not of mine so it kindda ruins the point."

"Growing a heart, McKay?"

"Losing one, actually. .. "

"I'm sorry."

"Actually, my heart is in quite good shape. No signs of immediate heart attack."

"Too soon to tell."

"That's what that nurse keeps telling me but I decided to adopt Zelenka's life's philosophy and to be optimistic. It's not like mine was a great help."

"Do ya need anything?"

"Stop hovering?"

"I was not…! Ok, I was. I'll stop. I'm sorry."

"And stop apologizing. It's driving me crazy."

"Bad for your new Zen behavior, lad?"

"I'm not… . "

"Yes, you are. This isn't you. Ya panic, Rodney. Ya're far too calm for it to be natural."

"What is it with you people? Radek had problem with me not insulting people, now you think this isn't me when I'm calm. I thought that drove you crazy."

"Aye. But that's who ya are."

"So . . you liked when I insulted people and acted crazy?"

"That who ya are."

"That . . new."

"You're our friend, lad. We care about ya."

"I'm going to say something horribly schmaltz. Please blame it on your drugs."

"I can do that."

"And forget about it as soon as it's out."

"Sure."

"And don't tell anyone."

"Rodney. . ."

"Fine, fine. I, maybe. .. accidentally… . thank you."

"What for?"

"Being here. Taking to me. Being angry when I wanted to end everything."

"Anytime, lad. Anytime."


	20. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER 19:  
--------------------**

These are the small things that hurt the most, Rodney thinks. Quiet murmurs cut deeper than shouts, silent accusations more than a trial; his mom's wavering tears always hurt him more than his father's harsh handling. Paper cuts harm more than real wounds, he found out. They take longer to heal, too.

Maybe this is why the small things are the ones that can break him. The Storm couldn't kill him, no matter how hard it tried. The Wraith didn't kill him, even the city couldn't. He's invincible that way. Unbreakable. Only he is broken, only this is by age. And this is so ironic that this is the way things are going to end. Him, the great Rodney McKay is not going to die in glory, inventing something that will help the mankind. Not even fighting the Wraith. Not even fighting himself, the team, for a certain greater truth. He will be defeated and there's nothing he can do it but accept it.

He heard a nice phrase once. The world will end not with a bang, but a whimper.

If he was a religious man he might have believed that the angels would whimper for his life but as it is, Rodney has to admit that the first phrase sounds like the kind bullshit he can believe in. The world did begin with a big bang, a shout. To let other universes know that we're here. And when it will end, swallowed by the sun that brought to it existence in the first place, its warmth will spread for many light years and will burn all that is in the way. And aliens from far away distances will never know that the shining star that got brighter before it ended, was once a galaxy that consisted of humans. Someone who could learn from them, someone they could learn from. It is fitting that way, he thinks. We never cared about far away galaxies. We never knew and cried a moment before they died.

Maybe his own whimper is not too far away, but he likes to think that when it comes, it will shine fiercely and bright.


	21. Kavangh

**CHAPTER 20: KAVANGH  
-------------------------------------**

* * *

"Go away."

"Can I come in?"

"What in _go away_ didn't you understand?"

"I just came to. . "

"Gloat?"

"Actually, no. I resent the insinuation. "

"You're allowed. Why are you here, Kavangh?"

"Look, I know that we've had our differences and that you think that I'm against you. . ."

"I don't think so. I know so. General Landry showed me your tape."

"That's. . . a harsh breach of protocol."

"Go tape it. The audio for this month wasn't sent yet."

"I'll do it."

"Good. Attach it to my body; I'll even add it to my will if you ask nicely."

" I'm sorry."

"What?"

"That's why I came here. To say that I'm sorry."

"Don't take this in the wrong way, I fully appreciate the sentiment. No, I'm kidding. I'm not. Anyway, sorry for what? Besides the obvious, I mean."

"The obvious."

"Au. Ok, I'm a great man. I can forgive."

"So you forgive me?"

"No."

"But you just said.. . "

"I know what I just said! I'm not senile. Yet. "

"So why. . ?"

"I'm not signing the letter."

"How do you. .?"

"I heard. Apparently you're not half as wise as you think you are, which is only half of what I think that you are actually smart so that means you're actually not that much of a catch."

"Isn't there any way. . "

"Nope."

"You didn't hear. . ."

"The answer is still no. you're not getting my approval for being the next head of science. Zelenka is. Besides, I'm not dead yet."

"That's not what I meant."

"Sue me for slander. Like I care."

"Look, Dr. McKay, you can't be led by personal feelings here. You have to choose the man whose skills are of the highest rate."

"That's what I'm doing."

"What?! But I'm far more educational than he is. And my thesis upon the Micrometric Data would be nominated for Noble if it wasn't for the classified issue."

"He's a better engineer."

"We don't need engineers. We need idea-men."

"He's better in that, too."

"Who helped with the malfunction of the Stargate? Me!"

"Maybe. Still, he's better for the job. You lack people skill."

"So do you!"

"But the difference is that my genius is more important."

"Was. Your genius was more important."

"Go away. Now."

"Can't face the truth?"

"Why I even bother being civilized? _Bugger off_!"

"I won't. Not till you sign those damn papers."

"I won't name you as my successor. Leave!"

"Sign them."

"That's harassment. LEAVE!"

"Sign!"

"I already signed them. To Zelenka."

"But. . ."

"That's' right. Effective immediately, he's your superior."

"Then why didn't you tell me?"

"You could have begged."

"You. . . I'll go now."

"Thank you. Just a tip. "

"Not interested."

"I don't care. Look, don't make me say this twice but you're a gifted physicist. But your ego gets in your way. And before you say something, I know that you have to have ego in this profession, but this is how you make mistakes. By not listening to others."

"Says the man who blew up 5/6th of a solar system because of his ego."

"Don't you think I know that?!"

"I'm sorry."

"Go away."

"Ok. Get well. I 'll.. .. "

"Why are you still here?"

"I just wanted to say. . that I really did come here to see that you're ok. I don't like you and but I don't wish you were dead."

"Very noble of you."

"So just. . sorry. For everything."

* * *


	22. Chapter 21

**CHAPTER 21:  
--------------------**

What makes a man a good one? Rodney wonder and concludes that is depends on the point of perception. Good to whom. Decency is all about sides, wars are the greatest example. For him, Canada is on the good side, others- potential enemies. The Atlantis expedition taught him to see things in another way. Humans as whole are on one side, all other species- suspects. He guesses that the generalization can be brought further on; maybe the beings on this galaxy are the good guys comparing to evils beyond.  
It brings him comfort to think of his own unimportance, though he knows that others don't think he's aware of his own mortality. He is painfully aware of that now.

Maybe this is why he had to go trough the Feeding To A Wraith trial. Maybe there are fresh ideas ahead that only this experience could teach him and shield him from the false sentiment he attached to his life. His life doesn't matter, he understands that now. But he's still attached to it, like he needs it, like it can save it.

Such naiveté. Like of a child.

He's not a child anymore. He marks days with wounds. Years - with ideas. The first 5 years are blank- he doesn't remember neither thinking of anything special nor knowing anyone. Maybe he doesn't want to. A waste. Later years presented him with new ideas: how to break a toaster, how to rebuild it, fix it, make it better. What the meaning of letters is, numbers, equations. What they can mean. Like a tower of bricks, each floor needing the support of its lower ones but can be separated from it. And Rodney thinks this is unavoidable that whenever a year ends, wounds start fading and appearing again. Because this is how ideas are born, through pain. This is the only way there is.

He hears music from somewhere. It's sad and melodic.

He never had an ear to music so he can't be sure that he's right. It can be happy for all he knows and he just misinterprets the tune.

He used to play piano when he was younger. His parents wouldn't let him play drums. He hated them. The music just poured and poured and never seemed to stop. Like rain.

Or blood. Or time.

It frightened him as a kid. It frightens him now.

The End. He's afraid from it, too.

Everybody wants to be remembered. Living through others' memories for centuries to come. He's not different. He knows the people of Atlantis will remember him for a while, he saved them too many times for them not to, and for even a tiny minute he thinks it might be enough.

But how long will they remember him? How long will it take before they will find a new hero to think of, or before they all will be dead because he's not there to save them? And then his memory will evaporated from all thoughts forever. And he wants to be mourned, he wants to be remembered.

If he can't live forever, Rodney admits to himself, being remembered is the next best thing.

* * *


	23. Chapter 22 and Final

**CHAPTER 22:  
--------------------**

* * *

"_Hush little baby, don't say a word. .. _"

"Jeannie?"

"Hello, big brother."

"What are you doing here?"

"Mom sent me to see if you're alright."

"Mom?"

"Yeah. Don't you remember what happened? You fell from Gabriel's tree house."

"That happened more than 20 years ago, Jen."

"Shh. It's ok. Everything is going to be ok. _Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird don't sing.. .. "_

"Please stop. Something is awfully wrong here. You're not supposed to be here. You're far away."

"But Rod, we told each other we'd always be there for each other. And now you're hurt."

"I'm not hurt. I was feed by a Wraith."

"A Wraith? What's a Wraith?"

"A Wraith. . you know. Alien. A life sucking one."

"Why would you want to be fed by one?"

"I don't! Didn't! It just put his hand on my chest- and fed. It didn't ask me!"

"Why didn't you fight, then?"

"I tried!"

"But you couldn't have. Otherwise you would have succeeded. A creature that tries to feed you doesn't sound too bad."

"It doesn't feed me. It feeds _on_ me. On my life force."

"Reading too much sci-fi again, huh? Where do you keep all those journals, anyway?"

"Underthebed"

"Huh?"

"Under the bed, ok???"

"Hey, no need to be defensive. This is a very manly thing to do. Reading sci-fi books. Right."

"You're mocking me again."

"But Rod, why of course!"

"Stop calling me Rod."

"No can do. You're a stick and that's it. Besides, now you're ill so you're supposed to listen to what I say."

"Since when what you told me to do worked for my advantage?"

"Now I'm truly hurt. When anything that I told you to do _didn't _work for your advantage?"

"Edna Madison."

"Well, if you're stupid enough to believe that telling a girl that you have a crush o her sister will make her fall in love with you will work then you deserved the slap."

"It was a very aching one."

"Oh, poor baby."

"Stop that. I have a delicate skin."

"I have the same skin. You know that. Besides, am I getting Alzheimer or afterwards she also dated you for 4 months?"

"Yeah, ok. She did."

"See. I was right."

"You didn't mean to be right!"

"That makes it even more so. So you need to listen to me. Problem solved, million of lives saved. . . what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"I know that nothing. Spill."

"It's just that. . you're not really there. And I don't want to miss you again."

"You know that even though we had that _fight_ I still care about you, right?"

"_I'm_ supposed to be the protective big brother."

"You were always a pretty lousy one. I was a better big brother."

"You're right."

"Ok, now I'm concerned. A McKay admitting a fault. You really do believe that you're hallucinating me, don't you?"

"Yeah."

"Give me your hand."

"What?"

"Don't be such a baby. Give me your hand."

"You're not going o do the Red Trail on me again, right?"

"Promise. Now give me your hand. Thank you. See, you're holding me. I can't be hallucination. You're feeling me."

"I felt her, too?"

"_Her_?"

"Sam."

"Getting some, are we?"

"Stop that. She was. .. not real."

"Listen to me real carefully now, ok? I'm here and I'm not going to go away again just because you want me to."

"You already did."

"I was mad."

"It was my choice! MINE!"

"Rodney, you knew dad was dying and you still didn't come!"

"So?"

"So? Your dad's last wish was for you to forgive him. Was that so hard to give?"

"Yes, ok? It was."

"Why?"

"Because I couldn't. God, Jeannie. Things were easier for you. You weren't the child genius."

"You're doing that again, feeling sorry about yourself. Don't you think that sometime I wished I could be genius, too?"

"but . . you're popular. Why would you want to be. . ."

"Special?"

"Yeah. It's not as fun as the brochure tells you, you know."

"I know. And I know that you had it worse from dad, but you have to look from his perspective, too."

"What perspective? Everything his mom told him to do, he obediently did!"

"Rodney, listen to me because I'm going to say this only once. **_You don't know everything._** No matter how smart you think you are in Physics, you know nothing about people."

"So you, being the famous psychiatrist, do?"

"No. but I try to understand them. Not to judge them as harshly as you do."

"So now that's my fault. Thanks."

"Look, you think that I'm illusion, right? Then why would your mind want to create me in the first place if it wasn't for what I'm currently saying?"

"I'm a masochist."

"Rod, I knew you my entire life. You never did anything that wasn't for your own good."

"True."

"You don't sound as defensive as most people would."

"I'm not ashamed of who I am."

"Yeah? Is that why you never told your friends about mom?"

"Don't get her into this."

"Why not?"

"Because you fucking know what she was."

"_What_ she was? God, Rodney. She was a human being. With faults!"

"She died!"

"No. she ran away. You know that because we told you that many times before. "

"I saw her grave!"

"Rodney, mom went away 30 years ago and left us both with an over-achiever as a father. Accept that."

"Why?"

"Because, as you already know, you are about to die."

"I thought you didn't believe me."

"You didn't believe yourself."

"I'm that fucked up, huh?"

"Apparently. You needed someone to help you."

"I don't need your help."

"Yes you do. Otherwise I wouldn't have been here."

"Why I need your help?"

"Because you need to forgive her. You need to forgive your friends and yourself. There's no other way."

"But she went away. She left us with him. How can you not be mad?"

"But I was mad at her. For so long. I even searched for her."

"You didn't tell me that."

"What you expected that I'll do? You convinced yourself that she died, for heavens' sake!"

"Ok, ok, so you found her?"

"No. but her sister told me that she didn't think she was a good mom."

"What are you talking about? She was a great mother."

"Rodney, please don't get hurt. Don't ask."

"Come on, you know me. Of course that with this introduction I will!"

"She. .. she couldn't handle it. "

"Being a genius' mom, you mean."

"Don't be stupid. Being a mom, period. She didn't want me, too."

"But.. You forgave her. And dad, too."

"He stayed, Rod. He chose to stay."

"It was better if he hadn't."

"Really? You wanted to be thrown to the orphanage? Because I worked with kids who grew up there and were born there and died there. It's not a happy place."

"Mom would have come back."

"She wouldn't have. And you know it. She couldn't handle raising us, and I wouldn't want her to. In fact, I don't think that if the circumstances were reversed we would have it better."

"So this is our destiny? To be forever emotionally traumatized?"

"Probably. The world has a sick sense of humor."

"Great. Another thing that has a sense of humor. As if I don't meet here enough of these."

"Are you really mad of him? For not saving you, I mean."

"I don't know, Jen. I want to. "

"You're mad about yourself, then."

"How much you take for hour?"

"A lot. But this is a freebee for my beloved brother. So maybe this is why I'm here."

"You mean other than that I'm bored and my mind is searching for excuses for my abandonment issues?"

"Yes. I'm here to show you that you need to forgive yourself. You're human."

"I know I'm human!"

"No, you don't. Because if you had you would have accepted your failures and mistakes."

"That's called being a perfectionist."

"No! That's hubris. You always were arrogant."

"So sue me. That's who I am."

"Imperfect."

"Yeah, imperfect. Happy?"

"Yes. They will hurt, Rod, but failures are the only way you will ever learn other things."

"It also kills me."

"Why are you so afraid of dying?"

"Aren't everyone?"

"I'm asking you, not the whole bunch of everyone that is in this room right now."

"Ha ha. I don't know. I guess I simply don't know what's there."

"You also don't know what's going to be tomorrow."

"Well, I'm terrified from it, too."

"So death is your equivalent for tomorrow?"

"I'm a neurotic person.. . woooaa- - what are you doing?"

"Take my hand, Rodney."

"Why?"

"Can you hear that sound, Rod? That's your heart shutting down. Don't fight it. Don't fight me. Take my hand.. . and you'll find out what happens tomorrow. _Papa's gonna buy you a cart and bull. And if that cart and bull fall down, You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town"_

* * *

Right before Rodney's mother went away only to never come back, she sat in his room and asked him to look her in the eyes for a minute. When he turned around he could see she was crying. He forgot all about it. Maybe he never wanted to remember before.

He asked her why she was crying, then. Because he was 10 years old and the world wasn't really complicated. And she answered that we always cry right before we leave because even if our physical bodies can't stay, the tears can linger on forever. Think of it like a ripple effect, she said and hugged him tightly. Even when the source of the anomaly is no longer there- the ripples can go on and on for as long as we need them to.

He finds that fitting that he feels tears running down his face while at the background there's the high- pitched whine of the breathing machine line getting flat.

He thought he would have years left. Months. Days. But maybe he did have them, he simply didn't notice.

Einstein did say that time was relative, after all.

THE END OF PART 1


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